May « 2010 « The Social Caterpillar

Archive for May, 2010

I should be at a party

Saturday, May 29th, 2010

I should be at a party right now. It started about fifteen minutes ago and I’m pretty sure I said I’d go, you know, on page where I paid for my conference ticket. But I’m at home… typing.

I attended the Big Design conference here in Dallas, yesterday and today. I really enjoyed the event. Great speakers: Russ Unger, Giovanni Gallucci, Jared M. Spooler, all funnier than individual human beings have any right to be.

After the T-shirt fail of SxSW I promised that I would make and wear my ‘I’m shy. Please come talk to me. Thanks.’ shirts to a different event. I chose this one. I had two made since I just didn’t feel like bothering with the whole iron-on thing again.

I wore them, and two people noticed, two people I was already talking to. I had met Michael at SxSW through Ori earlier this year and when I saw him, I went up and said hello. While we were talking he read the shirt and asked me if it was true, was I really shy? I explained that while I’m great with having one on one conversations, I have a difficult time introducing myself, so he introduced me to some people.

So, there was some benefit to wearing the shirt, but not how I expected. But expectations will make you insane.

There was a party last night too, but I felt like death on a stick, so I didn’t feel too bad about ditching out. Tonight I have no excuse. I’m just too freaked out to do it. I know where it is. I know how to get there. I’m a member of the place where it’s being held. I’ve met (in passing) a few people who will be there. But I don’t have a social buffer and apparently, I’ll sacrifice going out since I’m without one.

It’s funny, I’ll do all kinds of unorthodox things:

I’ll drive to NYC with two days notice.

I’ll sell everything I own and start an around the world trip with only a vague notion of what I want to do and where I want to go.

I’ll take pole dancing lessons.

I’ll go to a conference with 12,000+ attendees where I know no one.

I’ll share my fears, trials and successes with strangers on the internet.

But I won’t say hello to someone I’ve never met without an introduction. (Okay, that’s not entirely true. Under certain circumstances I can introduce myself, but they are limited and somewhat amorphous).

Looking at the list of things I have done, will do, they all have one thing in common: I did them alone. I’m good at alone. I need to work on social. Something without the jump-right-in factor.

I just don’t know what that is.

Tags: anxiety, Awareness, comfort zone, Experiment, fear, get out there, meeting people, Outside of my Comfort Zone, shy, unnerving
Posted in Connecting |

And for my next feat, I shall swallow a sword

Tuesday, May 25th, 2010

I did something I thought I would never do. I talked on Ori’s radio show, Couch Surfing Radio (fair warning: when you click on that link, the show starts playing immediately). I mean, I knew it was coming eventually, he’s had *one* broadcast since I met him where he didn’t either talk about me, or put me on air ‘accidentally’.

I just didn’t think I would make it through the broadcast without losing my ability to remain coherent. But, really, it was just like talking to Ori on the phone. We’d talk, he’d get distracted, we’d talk some more. My phone dropped the call twice, you know the usual.

I have to call him out on this:

First I saw the description of the show:

I’ve not broadcast in 3 weeks, as I’ve been on a big roadtrip, then was over inundated with work. This week I’m going to talk about a lot of that. I have learned A LOT from it! Everything about health, productivity, relationships, car insurance, guitar, Kathryn’s adventures, friends, recharging my brain, and even my hair!

Then I get a text at 9:58:

Doin show 2nite, wanna talk about ur road trip & upcoming plans?

I agreed as long as he would ask questions to keep me from getting flustered and two minutes later called in because the show was starting.

Since it fell squarely into the ‘not gonna kill me’ category I knew I had to do it. Plus, as much as Ori likes to push my comfort zone, I know I can trust him. We talked about a bunch of topics, but one I didn’t expect was announcing that we are going to submit a panel idea/pitch to the SxSW PanelPicker for 2011. It’s on location independence and I’ll post more once I’ve gotten it square in my head and probably on paper even.

So, since I’ve said it out loud, had it recorded, and now, written it down, I kinda have to do it. Because really, the first time you decide to look at speaking in front of an audience, it should be at a conference whose attendees number in the tens of thousands and include almost the *entire* start-up community.

Breathe in, 2, 3, 4, Breathe out, 2, 3, 4…

Tags: anxiety, comfort zone, couch surfing ori, Outside of my Comfort Zone, risk, sxsw, unnerving
Posted in Comfort Zone Stretches |

Awesome!

Sunday, May 23rd, 2010

It’s really easy to forget all the amazing accomplishments we have made. So, now, I’m keeping a list.

It’s also really easy to negate our accomplishments. So, yeah, now I’m keeping a list. Something I can look at when I’m feeling like I’ve never done anything really… (fill in the blank here).

All of this came about because I follow Elizabeth Potts Weinstein on Twitter. Elizabeth retweeted something Catherine Caine posted about her own blog post and also wrote a post of her own. Follow the links, but the posts are all about declaring our awesomeness.

I retweeted Elizabeth’s retweet, and Catherine called me out on not having told her how awesome I am. So, I did.

It’s funny, considering how Twitter gets panned as a useless distraction (which it can be), I’ve had it be a conduit for change in my life more than once recently. It’s not the tool, but how you use it. (Go ahead, leave your mind in the gutter, it’s your mind).

My list (this will continue to grow):

I have inexhaustible patience with children!

I am über smart! (I’m in Mensa)

I am a great writer!

I knit clothes that people think I bought (self-taught), sewing too!

I’m in the process of getting rid of almost everything I own and traveling the world!

Even when I’m scared I keep going!

I care deeply about my friends, family, and the world at large!

I am a kick-ass cook!

I can get *anything* to grow!

I’ve lived in Sweden, Mexico, as well as several places in the US!

In addition to English, I speak Swedish, Spanish, and have started learning Russian!

I can teach anyone how to do anything, even if I’m learning right along with them!

I am amazingly creative, in art, but also in how I solve problems!

I am more determined than anyone has ever realized!

I give great hugs!

I left a marriage that was killing my soul!

I drove from Dallas to NYC and back, alone!

I can stop wayward children (and some adults) in their tracks with a look!

I can read upside down!

I am a quick study!

I connect information in ways other people don’t immediately see!

Letting people know how amazing we think we are at something can be scary. Once, people figure out how smart I am, it can effect the way they act around me, like they’re afraid I’ll think they’re dumb. So, I kept the people who know I’m in Mensa to a minimum. But, really, other people’s insecurities are their problem.

So there.

Tags: Awareness, awesome, comfort zone, fear, perceptions, shy, Who I am, words
Posted in Learning & Awareness |

Perceptions and Words

Sunday, May 16th, 2010

I’ve been thinking a lot about perceptions, both how I see myself, and how others see me. For most of my adult life people have tended to react to me with a sense of protection. That I am pure, delicate, uncorrupted, and so much the ingénue.

Over 10 years ago, I was having coffee with a friend from high school, when he told me that he would always consider me a virgin, I could have five kids and he would still think of me that way.

During my divorce, a friend I had known since I was 17 told me that that was the first time she had realized that I had other emotions besides happy.

While I was in San Francisco a few years back I was standing with a group of women one mentioned CBT. When she and I both responded ‘Cock and Ball Torture’ after another woman asked for clarification of the acronym, all heads turned to me. “You seem so innocent, we felt like we were corrupting you”. Relieved laughter ensued.

And then, while I was on this road trip people said the strangest things:

A random guy in Nashville I was talking to at Waffle House told me I was gutsy.

One cousin’s girlfriend said I was brave.

Another cousin’s wife was discussing a cousin who had visited a little earlier (um, yeah, there’s a bunch of us) “She’s fearless, like you”.

Wait…

What?

Words matter. The words we use to describe ourselves and in our daily lives shape our perspectives. I’ve had a tendency to use the word ‘terrifying’ when describing things like public speaking. When I’m feeling reasonable, terrifying is a word that I would apply to events like an earthquake, plane crash, or assault. ‘Unnerving’ is more appropriate to public speaking. Now don’t get me wrong, when I able get out of it I always have, when I can’t I run to the bathroom every 2-3 minutes before with dry heaves, possibly start to hyperventilate. But taken from a purely pragmatic perspective, I’m not in any danger, and really, I can speak in front of people if forced.

So, I’m trying to reframe my perspective on the word ‘terrifying’ and replace it with ‘unnerving’ when appropriate. I want to see if ‘can’t’ becomes ‘won’t’ becomes ‘wouldn’t have’ becomes ‘will’.

Pure, Innocent, Delicate

Gutsy, Brave, Fearless

Terrified, Unnerved, …Thrilled?

Tags: anxiety, Awareness, Experiment, perceptions, reaction, unnerving, Who I am, words
Posted in Learning & Awareness |

So far so good

Saturday, May 1st, 2010

So, I had been planning on a 13 day road trip: Chattanooga, Atlanta, and Boca Raton, but it fell through. And I sat there thinking, what a shame it was that I had ordered all this stuff for my computer so that I could work while on the road, plus I had someone lined up to house sit for me.

Then it occured to me that I had the perfect opportunity to do whatever I wanted. Right in front of me were so many options. I could see any of this country’s natural wonders. I could just pick a direction and see where it led. I could visit one (or more) of any number of people I haven’t seen in ages.

I chose to head to New York City. By car. From Dallas. Yeah, my mother asked me if I wanted her to buy a plane ticket for me (twice), but I think I finally got the point across that the drive would be part of the experience. I’ve never gone on a road trip alone, much less covering this type of distance. I’ve got some ideas on what I want to do next, but right now I need to prove to myself that I can pull this off. So far so good (as the man who jumped off a 50 story building said as he passed each floor).

This feels like I’m returning to who I really am. I have a history of turning so far in on myself, that I forget who I am and just blend in. Interestingly enough, when I get really far into it, I look like a soccer mom, you know, J. Crew chinos and tops. Sturdy and boring. Of course, it’s not really about the clothes. It’s about how I both perceive and present myself. I can’t blend into the background and shine simultaneously. By keeping myself safe and tucked in my shell, I prevent myself from feeling the joy of new experiences.

This morning I had breakfast at the counter at a Waffle House. I turned to the man to my left and asked him if he lived in Nashville (where I was at the time). *I* started a conversation with a random stranger. And nothing awful happened. We just talked. I wish I had gotten a picture of him to post, but I was so involved in the experience, that I didn’t even think of it until I was out of town.

I got into Knoxville about two hours ago, and made a wrong turn downtown. I just kept driving because it is so beautiful here. Then I came across this guy: