Archive for the ‘Processing’ Category

Dear Future Me

Friday, January 6th, 2012

Dear Future Me,

I know right now it feels like you can’t… Like you don’t have the whatever-it-takes to do what you need to do next. But you do. I know you do. Remember when:

you went to that first conference and didn’t know a soul? You met people, got irritated and started this blog.

you walked up to perfect strangers in a grocery store parking lot and asked them what they were doing and that’s how you saw just how beautiful moonlight and pollution can really be?

you drove from Dallas to New York City and back, alone?

you sold all your stuff and got a one way ticket to Chihuahua, only knowing that you intended to head farther south?

you got back on a horse after twenty-some years?

you got your PADI open water certification even though you were fairly well convinced you were going to quit breathing and die?

you climbed a volcano and rode a toboggan back down?

you created a program to help people become a bit more social in ways that work for them? Then you put it out there for them to accept or reject?

you zip lined across a river canyon hundreds of feet above ground? oddly enough, didn’t write about that one, maybe some day

you asked people to share their stories of being shy and introverted so that we can hear that it’s not just us, whenever we want?

you rode atop a float in Carnaval in Rio despite a stupid number of (or number of stupid, it could go either way) obstacles?

you told people no and had them rewrite contracts?

you went back to school to get your PhD, knowing full well that it will take another ten years, give or take a year? this one actually starts in a week or so

you created a membership community where shy/introverted/highly sensitive people have a space to share and learn about themselves and each other? You put you tiny sweet idea out there because we needed that space.

you learned how to hula hoop and navigate the city bus system?

you stood your ground with a taxi driver who seemed to think he could take advantage of you?

you hosted a Twitter Party and even had fun?

You did all of those things and at the time, they felt scary and your brain was screaming at you that it wasn’t safe. You did them anyway, because you knew it was safe enough and what you wanted was more important than the screaming.

What you want is still more important that the brain-screaming. And you can do this too. Whatever it is. What’s your first tiny step? Start there.

Love,
Me

Dear People Who Aren’t Me,

That quite a list up there isn’t it? Enough to make you feel a bit funny about your own list, maybe? Here’s the thing, I made a commitment to myself to try things that scared me. I took my risks. You’ve got yours and you’ve had your successes too. They are certainly different, but no less powerful.

We’d love to hear your successes, if you’ll share a few with us. If not, go ahead and write Future You a letter, maybe one like this or different altogether, either way, I’m sure Future You will appreciate it. *hugs*

Want to receive small comfort zone stretches and resource recommendations every couple of weeks? Sign up for Inching Along and I’ll send you one small (possibly even fun) challenge that you can easily accomplish plus other nuggets that I find.
You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:

We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)

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My Emergency Survival Kit

Tuesday, November 22nd, 2011

I came across this post by Annie from Pajama Productivity a couple of weeks ago and I love it. The most difficult thing about getting out of a crazy stressful time is that it’s crazy stressful and you can’t think straight. Preemptive Self Care!

I’m sharing mine here so that you can steal what you want from it and then build on it. Here we go:

  • A note reminding me that I have a library card, books are available
  • A one month bus pass
  • A box of peppermint tea
  • A gift certificate for the Mexican place down the street
  • A reminder note that I have airline miles, and permission to use them
  • A list of people I’d invite to a potluck and a reminder that being around people can help, depending on what’s going on
  • A reminder that I have a Spotify account
  • A reminder that I have a hula hoop and a park within walking distance
  • A gift certificate to the grocery store
  • Unscented bath salts, I can add essential oils to the tub

How about you? What do you need in order to feel taken care of?

Have you been thinking about adding a few comfort zone stretching challenges to your life? Get those plus resources and other fun nuggets of info in your inbox every other week, sign up for Inching Along today.
You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:

We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)

 

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Open Home, Open Heart

Friday, November 18th, 2011

Recently, I’ve been working under the theory that my mind is clearer when my home is less cluttered. But, what about the heart?

For years I’ve been really good a building walls between myself and other people. Not letting them in emotionally… and physically. Very few people get invited in to my home. It’s not that I don’t like them, but… more that I’m not letting them see the *real* me.

Behind the Curtain?

The real me and my lack of perfection. My dining area that has a rug mat and no rug, a folding table and two director’s chairs. And before, in my old house, the, well, the dining room was unfinished there too.

Hmmm. I leave the one room in the house that is primarily used for entertaining as the last room to be finished. I finished the studio, that I never used, before I got half way through the dining room in my old house. Wow, okay, I started with one metaphor and ran smack into another one, which still fits with the first one.

Mine, All Mine

I’m keeping my life and my self to me. Not sharing, not inviting people in. I mean, I know more people and I’m more social, than I was, but still. I keep people at a distance. And maybe I need that, but maybe not. It’s a pattern to watch, at this point.

The excuse of clutter, the excuse of unfinished rooms, that’s what they are. Excuses. Reasons to keep people at a distance. And I’ve been wondering, if I’m spending all this energy keeping people out, how do I start letting people in?

All of the people who I’ve invited into my home, they are people who have seen me in my jammies and with sleep hair. I know them that well.

Opening Up

What about having acquaintances over for tea, or a few new friends over for supper? These ideas don’t seem particularly out of the ordinary, and yet, I don’t do it.

So, this was supposed to be about softening my walls and creating an inviting home, opening my heart and mind to finding someone new, someone special, and instead, I ended up at a much more general version of the same idea. Which is maybe where I need to start any way…

Now, I’m curious. How do you handle your boundaries for your home? Where do you draw your line?

Have you been thinking about adding a few comfort zone stretching challenges to your life? Get those plus resources and other fun nuggets of info in your inbox every other week, sign up for Inching Along today.
You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:

We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)

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Making Friends with the Calendar, Mostly

Wednesday, November 9th, 2011

I’ve had a long running battle with my calendar. I fill in all the things I *want* to become a part of my routine and then, when it’s full and I’m not doing *any* of them, I concede defeat and clear the calendar, only to try again a few months later.

Notes to Self

Things I know:

  • I need to be able to clearly and quickly see what my week looks like.
  • Too many things on the calendar, and I won’t do any of them.

Things that help:

  • Color coded categories
  • Spacing, visual spacing, if it looks too full, I’ll just close the calendar program.
  • Totally ignoring the time slots
  • Putting in spots to account for travel and self care
  • Being able to easily move stuff around. I like digital, stickies would probably work too.
  • Being able to see what I’ve done at the end of a week, that’s part of why lists bother me, no sense of accomplishment, since I just delete items as I go.
  • Making sure to account for the approximate time needed.

Things that make it worse:

  • Daily stuff taking up space.
  • Things I’d like to start doing, this is not a motivational device

Ta-Da

So, my calendar looks like this:

And, it’s working, I’m getting things done that I’ve been putting off for months. Also, I know how much I’m taking on, since I can *see* the amount of time it takes. So much better.

Do you have a system that works for you? Or, one you want to try?

Annnnnnnnnd we stretch Two Three Four. Sign up for Inching Along and you’ll get small comfort zone stretches sent to your inbox ever other week, plus resources and other fun nuggets of info. 
You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:

We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)

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Suffering Doesn’t Get You There Any Faster

Wednesday, October 26th, 2011

Years ago I was at Sunday service at my church and my minister spoke of how she used to take the pretty way to the church when she had allowed herself enough time and the less attractive way when she was in a hurry. One day, she decided to time the routes to see how much time she saved on the less attractive route.

They took the same amount of time.

We tend to think that suffering or depriving ourselves gets us to our goals quicker. Yeah… no. There is no glory in suffering when you could be taking care of yourself.

How often have you tried pushing through and ended up procrastinating by giving yourself breaks or treats, thereby making whatever it was take even longer?

Self Care as a Tool

Today I want to spend some time thinking about what makes us more effective *because* we are taking care of ourselves.

I know that when writing is difficult, I work better if I make it pretty. Instrumental music is great for when I want some pep but still need to think. I’m certain that house work goes faster with Kesha (NSFW).

Making a cup of tea before I start a project leaves me feeling cared for. If it involves a spread sheet, then a plate of fruit is nice too. Making sure I’ve eaten *before* I start the-thing-that-needs-to-be-done-in-a-hurry, yes I need that, since I’m remarkably stupid when I’m hungry.

Reset

And, walking away. Calling a time out. When you’re so deep inside a problem that you can’t see a solution, get up, go make more tea, stretch, go for a 10 minute walk. Your brain needs a different perspective, a reset, and walking away will get you to the solution faster than trying to push through and drag the answer out of your brain by brute force.

And one more thing to think about: the way you treat yourself is how others learn to treat you. And we won’t even get into how your children learn to treat themselves.

Self care is important, so is recognizing that you don’t just deserve it, but you need it.

What are some ways that self care makes taking on the difficult things a bit easier?

Annnnnnnnnd we stretch Two Three Four. Sign up for Inching Along and you’ll get small comfort zone stretches sent to your inbox ever other week, plus resources and other fun nuggets of info. 
You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:

We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)

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The Power of Questions

Sunday, September 25th, 2011

Why?

I stood up to a cab driver while I was in Sacramento and I didn’t turn antagonistic *or* apologetic about it either. I know, I was shocked too.

I had to go to the store while I was in Sacramento and given how late it was the service representative at the train station didn’t think it was wise to walk. We went outside and got an estimate from the taxi drivers, $20-25 total, including going there, waiting and coming back. Now, you know I don’t have the best relationship with the idea of taking taxies, so I didn’t really trust that it would be that simple.

Taxis, They Use the New Math

We got there and the meter was about $12. I did my shopping but the store was short staffed so when I got back out it was at about $20. He dropped the flag again and we set out on our way. Really, it didn’t seem like I should be charged for waiting and have the flag dropped a second time, but, truthfully, I don’t know how these things work.

We returned a different way and this time the meter rang up around $22. He pulled in and told me to just give him $40. Yes, *fifteen dollars* more than the estimate. It wasn’t that long ago that I would have paid him just to get the whole ordeal behind me, but I wanted to see what he would say when I asked him about the discrepancy.

I asked him why the difference between what I had been told and what I was being charged was so large. He replied that we had to go out there, he waited and we came back.

“Yes,” I said, “but that was included in the quote.”

“Fine, pay me whatever you want.”

Just That Simple

I gave him $30 since the extended wait at the store wasn’t his fault. Then I went in and had a discussion with the station representative so that they knew what was going on. From now on, they’re going to get written quotes before they send people out in taxies.

So, this is my plan now: when something seems off, I’m going to ask why. Because, often there is something going on that I don’t know about. If I get a reasonable explanation, great. If not, I’m going to ask again. I know there are plenty of people who would look at this and think, well, yes, that’s what you do. As someone who has spent decades avoiding confrontation, this qualifies as an epiphany.

What positive ways do you use to handle confrontation?

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In Between the Spaces

Sunday, July 24th, 2011

You know how when you are trying to remember what bands you like or what book you were wanting to buy or you need to answer a really easy question and suddenly there’s *nothing* in your brain, except cotton? That feeling?

 

Say it with me: It’s Not Just You

Because Science Works

Yep, it’s true. It’s actually science. Introverts store more information in long term memory and the neural pathway to retrieve the information is longer than what extraverts use. It literally takes longer to think. Only, then… we get frustrated and flustered and start focusing on how we *should* have that information on the tips of our tongues. So, we feel embarrassed and lame and decide to just shut up.

 

Don’t shut up. You are smart and creative and have loads to say. Just… allow yourself to  move a little slower.

 

Have your phrases ready: Oh, I was just thinking about that, what was it… Hmm, give me a second, it’ll come back to me… Let’s talk about something else, I’m sure it will pop up then…

How do I Judge Me, Let Me Count the Ways…

Do you judge yourself for not being a sprinter?

How about for not being a chef?

What about for not being naturally blond?

 

No? So, why judge yourself for the way your brain naturally works?

 

You may think more slowly, but I bet your answers are deeper and more thought out too. While the extraverts are processing out loud, you’re processing silently. So, when you do speak, you seem spontaneously brilliant.

 

When you give yourself spaces, you allow that brilliance to shine.

 

How do you give yourself space to think, when you feel like you’re on the spot? 

Looking to stretch your comfort zone in tiny ways and pick up some resource recommendations? Sign up for Inching Along, and every other week I’ll send you one small (possibly even fun) challenge that you can easily accomplish plus other nuggets that I find.

You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:

We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)

 

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You’re Not Broken, Nobody Needs to Fix You

Friday, July 15th, 2011

The other night I was at a meet up and trying to explain what Staying Sane and Being Social does. One of the major components is creating a visual representation of how much time/energy a commitment really takes from you. One of the attendees said “Wow, I thought that was just me”, referring to the exhaustion and feeling of overwhelm after a party.

I hear that a lot: I thought it was just me. 

Just Because You Feel Alone, Doesn’t Mean You Are Alone

We think we’re odd, off, broken somehow. We think it’s weird, so we don’t talk about it.

 

The not wanting to talk on the phone, especially to strangers, but even to friends. The being bone tired after a party where all we did was talk to a few people. The fear of asking for what we want. The way we circle new ideas, poking at them a bit (or more) first. The list , it does go on.

 

I want to be quite clear on this:

  • YOU ARE NOT BROKEN!
  • IT’S NOT JUST YOU!
  • NO ONE NEEDS TO FIX YOU!

*ahem* Sorry for the yelling…

 

Weird vs Normal, It’s not even a contest

Your reactions are quite normal, for shy/introverted/HSPs. For people who think about their reactions rather than talking about them. And therein lies the problem, we have no way of knowing what is going on in another person’s head, especially if they want to keep it to themselves, since they think they’re weird.

 

So, I’m collecting “I thought it was just me”s, the thoughts that we don’t usually share and sharing them. Let us know what you thought was just you in your shy, introverted or HSP self. Anything you’ve seen here and were relieved to find that it wasn’t just you. The thing you keep looking to find here to see if it was just you.

 

I’m leaning towards completely free ebook (no email address exchange or anything), but there will probably be a page with excerpts as well.

 

As always, here’s the shiny form, please tell us what you thought was ‘just you’:

Your Initials (required)

Subject

Your Message

Please give your initials, if you give your name I’ll use just your initials anyway. If you don’t want to use your real initials, feel free to use the ones from the name you wish your parents had given you, or make something else up entirely. Thanks for joining in, I love to see how telling our stories helps each other.

Looking to stretch your comfort zone in tiny ways and pick up some resource recommendations? Sign up for Inching Along, and every other week I’ll send you one small (possibly even fun) challenge that you can easily accomplish plus other nuggets that I find.

You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:

We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)

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What Will Make it Better?

Friday, July 8th, 2011

They’ve been building a table in the courtyard outside my apartment for the last six weeks. That is not hyperbole, unfortunately. Off and on they’ve been dragging equipment  to and fro, cutting, welding, measuring, cursing… And to be fair, it’s not just a table, it wraps around a tree and has a grill built in. Also, it’s been loud. And as I’m sure you are aware, I *hate* loud.

 

One morning I could hear them sawing planks for the table and at the same time someone else was using a drill on the other side of the apartment. Of course, all the noise was making the dogs that live in the units to my right and left, go bonkers. Suffice it to say, I was not at my best.

Caution: Slow Brain at Work

I was having a slow morning because I couldn’t think straight. So, I was doing my Shiva Nata during the cacophony. Massive loudness is not conducive to brain training or boosting my mood, and my lac of focus showed. I always end my practice with meditation, but who can meditate with a chorus of saws, drills, and barking dogs? I nearly skipped it and just made breakfast.

 

But I needed to sit for a minute, so why not try to meditate? My post Shiva Nata meditation usually centers on a question that I come up with at the beginning of the meditation, whatever rises to the top. I heard: What would make this better? My first answer: Music, music that I choose and can block some of the noise. What else? Tea and a shower. What else? Food, I need breakfast, low blood sugar *always* makes everything worse.

Wow.

You Have… Options

So, that’s what I did. Breakfast and tea followed by a shower, then music while I worked. I had been so caught up in the crazy and frustration of the moment, that I had nearly missed all the opportunities I had at hand for making it better. I also could have gone for a walk to a coffee shop if I still needed time away from the loud. Or, maybe a drop-in yoga class at the place down the street.

 

Having been already in a place where meditation was my next step made me step outside of the situation and see some of my options. Most of which are on my ‘What Helps’ list in my Book of Me. But I don’t remember my Book of Me when I’m on edge. So, now the list goes in a card in my wallet, in the notes on my phone, on a sheet of paper inside my closet door.

 

I need ways to take care of myself when I’m at my most frustrated and crankiest. When I’m being logical and calm, I don’t need to know what helps. Hopefully hiding the ‘What Helps’ list in places will remind me to stop and look around.

 

How do you remember to take care of yourself when you’re in the stress-moment? What helps you?

Looking to stretch your comfort zone in tiny ways and pick up some resource recommendations? Sign up for Inching Along, and every other week I’ll send you one small (possibly even fun) challenge that you can easily accomplish plus other nuggets that I find.

You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:
We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)

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Posted in Processing |

My Name’s not Alice

Tuesday, July 5th, 2011

I’ve been spending way more time playing sudoku than I want to admit to. It’s one of my favorite rabbit holes. The thing about the rabbit holes we choose to fall into? Usually, there is something in there that we need. Need to learn, need to see, need to feel.

 

Here’s what I’ve got so far:

 

  • What is invisible is just as important as what is visible.
  • Each change you make can reveal another opportunity, go through and look again.
  • A change in perspective changes what you see.
  • Sometimes you need to walk away and come back with fresh eyes.
  • Sometimes you need to walk away permanently, and just start something else.
  • There are days when you just can’t fail and there are days when perseverance is all you have.
  • Keep one eye on what you’re doing and the other on what’s going on around you. No, it’s not easy. Do it anyway.
  • Sometimes you work on things that you know how they’re going to end, like puzzles, because knowing feels secure. Be sure to balance that with the unnerving challenge of not knowing.

 

What’s your rabbit hole of choice? What do you get from it?

Looking to stretch your comfort zone in tiny ways and pick up some resource recommendations? Sign up for Inching Along, and every other week I’ll send you one small (possibly even fun) challenge that you can easily accomplish plus other nuggets that I find.

You know, you can get updates by email or RSS. Yay, updates!

In the comments:
We’re being open here, sharing and saying things we don’t always say out loud. What helps: Sharing your stories and Ideas. Cheering and telling what works/worked for you. What hurts: shoulds, harshness, and such. (I used to teach first grade, I can’t help it.)

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