I’ve been thinking a lot about perceptions, both how I see myself, and how others see me. For most of my adult life people have tended to react to me with a sense of protection. That I am pure, delicate, uncorrupted, and so much the ingénue.

Over 10 years ago, I was having coffee with a friend from high school, when he told me that he would always consider me a virgin, I could have five kids and he would still think of me that way.

During my divorce, a friend I had known since I was 17 told me that that was the first time she had realized that I had other emotions besides happy.

While I was in San Francisco a few years back I was standing with a group of women one mentioned CBT. When she and I both responded ‘Cock and Ball Torture’ after another woman asked for clarification of the acronym, all heads turned to me. “You seem so innocent, we felt like we were corrupting you”. Relieved laughter ensued.

And then, while I was on this road trip people said the strangest things:

A random guy in Nashville I was talking to at Waffle House told me I was gutsy.

One cousin’s girlfriend said I was brave.

Another cousin’s wife was discussing a cousin who had visited a little earlier (um, yeah, there’s a bunch of us) “She’s fearless, like you”.

Wait…

What?

Words matter. The words we use to describe ourselves and in our daily lives shape our perspectives. I’ve had a tendency to use the word ‘terrifying’ when describing things like public speaking. When I’m feeling reasonable, terrifying is a word that I would apply to events like an earthquake, plane crash, or assault. ‘Unnerving’ is more appropriate to public speaking. Now don’t get me wrong, when I able get out of it I always have, when I can’t I run to the bathroom every 2-3 minutes before with dry heaves, possibly start to hyperventilate. But taken from a purely pragmatic perspective, I’m not in any danger,  and really, I can speak in front of people if forced.

So, I’m trying to reframe my perspective on the word ‘terrifying’ and replace it with ‘unnerving’ when appropriate. I want to see if ‘can’t’ becomes ‘won’t’ becomes ‘wouldn’t have’ becomes ‘will’.

Pure, Innocent, Delicate

Gutsy, Brave, Fearless

Terrified, Unnerved, …Thrilled?

Tags: anxiety, Awareness, Experiment, perceptions, reaction, unnerving, Who I am, words

This entry was posted on Sunday, May 16th, 2010 at 12:20 pm and is filed under Learning & Awareness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.